By Eddie Jones @EddieJonesTweet

One of the Christmas traditions at the Jones home is our annual “Binging on Hallmark movies.” My wife records each and every movie. She watches for fun. I watch to learn and take notes. Here is what I’ve learned from Hallmark about writing Christmas romance novels.

In your Christmas romance novel you must include a dead relative. The deader the better. Kill off both parents if you wish to build an emotional bond with readers. We would never wish for this in our own lives. We want parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents and siblings around at Christmas¾and at other times. But to improve your story, kill them off. Better to show loss and regret than Cousin Eddie’s RV parked in your main character’s driveway.

Speaking of your main character, pick a Christmas name. Nick, Holly, Kris (as in Kringle), Angel, Candy (spelled Candee), Comet (for the dog or cat), …You get the idea. There are limits to this corny naming convention. For example, you would never name a character Cheese Wafer or Sausage Ball unless you’re writing a Dave Barry Christmas romance novel. But if you are, you will also want to include a scene where something explodes¾preferably a cow, toilet, or storm drain. (See previous comment regarding Cousin Eddie’s RV parked in driveway.)

In your story you must do your part to increase global warming by criticizing fake Christmas trees. Only the best and biggest evergreens will be killed in the making of your Christmas romance novel. Sure, the yet-to-be-born-offspring of the yet-to-be-married-couple may one day find themselves clinging to the slope of a Rocky Mountain as the Atlantic and Pacific oceans race to meet in the middle of America, but the whole “picking out the tree” scene will be a key part of your story. Leave the fake trees in your “assisted living Nicholas Sparks love story.”

There will be copious amounts of hot chocolate, apple cider and non-alcoholic eggnog consumed in your story. In your Christmas romance novel no one drinks wine or beer. No one gets drunk. No one passes out on a couch. We’re talking Hallmark romance where sobriety is a virtue to be honored, not a character flaw. (If your readers wish to read sleazy, slutty romances where characters drink up, hook up, and chuck up, there’s Fifty Shades of Whatever.)

Your story will take place in a small town. Preferably in New England. Your main character be a city girl who accidently shows up in a small town and is forced to participate in a big festival, Christmas parade, or theatrical event for which the town is famous. The production of this festival, parade, or show is a sub plot in your story. Weather, finances, or personnel issues will threaten the event, however your character will save the day through ingenuity, skill, and charm. If not for the fact that she’s stuck in this small town and buried within the pages of your Christmas romance novel, she could be President of the United States.

Your main character will arrive in town having years earlier lost her Christmas spirit because an ex-boyfriend broke up with her on Christmas. Or, better yet, HE DIED! A parent moving out at Christmas due to an impending divorce or DYING can also rob your main character of Christmas spirit.

Your main character’s primary love interest should be a farmer, carpenter, rancher, or really, any good-looking male who works with his hands. He drives a pickup truck or jeep. (Never a Prius.) He wears flannel. Sometimes he shaves. Your other option is to go with a male lead who is wealthy. At first his family will disapprove because your main character is a simple, city girl and way beneath him, but as she demonstrates virtue and resourcefulness, members of the snooty family will come to appreciate her honesty.

Except she won’t be honest. Not completely. She will have at least one secret that will eventually drive the pair apart.

He should be a single dad whose spouse died tragically. His little kid is adorable who does exactly what is asks and never argues with ANYONE. Of course no such child exists but readers will overlook this plot-flaw in order to enjoy a few hours of quiet escapism.

A baking contest should be part of the plot. Christmas caroling is a required scene, as are trips to the tree farm, baking cookies, dinner with his family, standing under mistletoe, your main character making a secret deal with Santa (or a dead relative), the playing of Jingle Bells, a “near-miss” kiss (sudden news interrupts and reminds the pair why they could never be together.) You should also include a snowball fight, ice skating, a cynical character suddenly filled with Christmas spirit. (But not your character. Not yet, anyway. She gets her spirit back at the end of the story.) In addition to flannel the other key wardrobe attire are ugly Christmas sweaters. As for setting, the props are simple. It snows a lot. In fact, it’s best if a blizzard keeps your character from leaving town.

At least until the end of the story. Then she can leave.

The weather breaks. The sun shines. She is allowed to leave.

But she won’t. She’s in love. After years of missing “something” her heart is healed. He is other half of her soul that makes her whole. Her missing Christmas spirit returns. “Walking in a Winter Wonderland” begins to play in the background. Roll the credits, pass the cheese wafers, and begin writing next year’s Christmas romance novel.

Eddie is an award-winning author of middle-grade fiction with Harper Collins. He is also Senior Acquisitions Editor and CEO of Lighthouse Publishing of the Carolinas (lpcbooks.com) and co-founder of Christian Devotions Ministries (christiandevotions.us). Eddie teaches writing workshops and Amazon marketing at novel retreats, writing conferences, and to small groups. If you would like to book Eddie for your group contact him at eddie@eddiejones.org.